As promised, I’d begin answering questions today. When I’m done answering questions, I would round off this series by discussing some ALL IMPORTANT aspects of love. You really want to stick with Doctor Love all the way through this month. Now, to today’s question.
I have a question sir, when you choose to ignore a ‘hurt’ rather than talk about it, can it be considered forgiveness?
Thank you for this question. I can imagine where the question is coming from. If you were in my front, for a personal session, I would need to ask more questions to know the exact answer to give. But owing to the circumstances, I would have to make a few assumptions and answer you based on those assumptions.
I’d start by assuming this person is very close to you. I would further assume that you’re so hurt you don’t know how to express the hurt. Or I could assume you don’t want to hurt your relationship with the person so you would prefer not to talk about it. Now, based on these assumptions, let me answer you.
Please DO NOT LEAVE HURTS UNADDRESSED. If the person is a stranger or distant friend, you could ignore, but if the person is very close to you, you NEED to talk about it. Please note, I didn’t say NAG or SHOUT about it, I said TALK. I have discovered that even though you’ve forgiven someone, talking with the person to thrash out issues gives you a refreshing sense of peace, ease, and lightness.
So, I recommend you let the person know you want to talk with him/her. Then, with all the love and understanding you can muster, express your hurt. And in the bid to gain them back, try to do more of asking questions than making statements.
“I was hurt when you talked back at me in front of your friends. Did you know it hurt me? Why did you?” then wait for an answer. Then talk some more, listen to the response. Do you get the flow.
“I have always known you to be so callous and insensitive. You just humiliated me in front of your friends. You are heartless and cruel…”
Do you understand the difference? You’re saying the exact same thing but in two completely different ways. Don’t let it seem like a judge’s verdict but like a friend’s hurt simply expressed.
So, please let your loved one(s) know when they offend you but express it well, so you don’t compound the problem. Very important too is finding the right time to talk about it. For married couples, different times work for different people. But on the average, middle of the night talks when both parties are well rested, works. Date nights work. Evenings after work hardly work because one or both parties are tired and hungry.
So, please mind the timing and the tone of conversation. Remember, the endpoint is to win your loved one back and “clear the hurt”. So, keep your eyes on the goal and don’t just talk for talking sake.
I believe this has helped you. I would be taking the next question tomorrow. Until then, please KEEP LIVING and KEEP LOVING!
I love you!
Timi Adigun (Doctor Love)